No, this is about a folder.
My brother's latest tale of St.Andrews-based self-gratification made me think of all the people who so desperately need to be told that off is the direction in which they should most assuredly fuck and of how best to deliver that message. I will let him tell the story, but it has a very high wank quotient.
The need for continuing employment and good manners generally means that those needing telt don't get telt, and never seem to get telt. My friends, I give you then, the LDAWFi (pronounced el-doffi) - the Last Day At Work File.
The resemblance to "Doffy" as in Aunt Doffy, or Mum as I like to call her, is entirely coincidental. A fortuitous serendipity, but luck nonetheless. It is a homage to someone with a clear understanding of the power of the swear word.
Every email and letter that has resulted in me muttering under my breath that the sender should just fuck off will simply be filed in the LDAWFi awaiting the last day at work. You do not wish to be entered in the LDAWFi. A kind of carefully administered, impeccably sorted nursing of wrath to maintain its warmth. On that great day, desk cleared, emails deleted or ignored, phone off the hook, brain-implant removed (bound to be the main delegation route by then) and office door firmly closed. one will simply open the LDAWFi and set about putting things right. One by one, I will work through it informing those contained therein that whatever incident triggered their inclusion was not, in fact, dealt with correctly. It was merely discharged as my job and manners had required of me. What I did mean to say was ... and I will then elaborate fully on what a complete arse they were that day and that they should, with all haste, fuck the fuck off. They will also be told their score on the scale of self-aggrandising pomposity (or SAP-scale) that has resulted in an LDAWFi listing, thereby allowing them to better understand just how richly deserved is the missive they now possess. They will also be given a 'fuck off' level, depending on the SAP score. I am still working on this, it's a complex algorithm and I will need help, but it will be something along the lines of the following:
- You ordered a cappuccino at the head of a long queue at the coffee bar - EFF- OFF (Code EO). A gentle indication of lighthearted fuck-offedness.
- You demanded to speak to someone higher - FUCK OFF (today, there is no-one higher). Accompanying gesture is optional.
- Having been given an apology, you are seeking compensation from a publicly funded body to the detriment of that service to others - FUCK RIGHT OFF (Code FRO). Accompanying gesture recommended.
- You hinted at, or even delivered, the ultimate pomposity - "do you know who I am", as if this entitles you to better service - FUCK ALL the WAY OFF. (Code FATWO). Accompanying gesture required.
It will be so written as to make them question every encounter with any service since. I expect to be indicted for some crimes on the 19th May 2034, but as I will be barking, fruit-loopingly nuts by then, I don't imagine I will care much. And in prison I will get three meals a day, a training programme and a conjugal visit from that nice young man in cell 49. Who could ask for more?
Comrades, until LDAWFi-day, we plough on. Courage, mes amis.
